eBay Removes Popular Welsh Feature

eBAY HAS ROLLED back a much-loved feature for its Welsh users – in December 2016, on the run-up to Christmas, the company introduced the ‘Buy It Now In A Minute’ button.  The popular site, ‘Who’s Coat’s That Jacket?’ opened a poll back in the first quarter of 2016 about enhancing eBay for Welsh users.  Other suggestions, such as

  • changing the billing/shipping label to ‘Where you to?/Whereby’s it goyin?’ – this was removed due to sellers having issues understanding – especially sellers with the U.S.
  • an automatic template for negative feedback (I’m not being funny but what it is see, butt…)was put in place and shortly removed due to the burden on character limit
  • the footwear category was renamed as ‘Daps’ – this still remains provided the users’ location settings are enabled
  • in the courtesy e-mails after a user receives assistance, a short survey with radio button choices as to how they felt about the support received – Lush, Tidy, Awright, buzzin, Fumin Tampin’ Ragin.  These have been removed due to poor training and misunderstandings within the off-shore support areas

The amended ‘Buy It Now’ button was reverted back to its original state as of 3rd January 2017.  eBAY had a record number of cases escalated to them due to sellers’ misunderstanding the change – for many hardened sellers, ‘Buy It Now’ basically means to pay now or shortly after.  ‘Now In A Minute’ generally means any time so the frustration caused by lackadaisical buyers and impatient sellers resulted in eBay making the switch back.  eBay has also had some flak about this move as, during the festive season, the company had taken on another 1,500 off-shore employees , with a scope to retain 50% after the New Year based on economic growth.  However, due to the costs of ‘Goodwill Gestures’ and absence (many of the staff – old and new – were reported to have been off work) due to stress because of the sheer workload plus the mind-frazzling nature of the communications between Welsh users and themselves/sellers.

Leslie from Mumbai, a former employee who was sacked for his absence levels commented, “I had no ideas what theys was sayings to me.  The customer would complains to me and I couldn’t understands the words in which theys was usings so I would call out the big guns because the little guns had failed.  I even tried usings the motivation tipses from a Youtubes video by sayings ‘Happy Harrowe’en’ but the customers they did not listens.”

Facebook did something similar off the back of a comment from a reader in the popular ‘NOW!  In A Minute’ magazine and changed the ‘What’s on your mind?’ to ‘Alright or wha?’  Due to the huge volumes of users seeing it as an invitation to lay all their woes on thick, Facebook reverted it back within a week of the initial update.  Mark Zuckerberg stated that he did not see the point in such a minor change to have even happened for another part of England.

Bitcoin seems to have successful cashed in on their Welsh-only currency ‘RarebitCoin’ despite users’ failing to come to terms with the fact that the currency is virtual and cannot be added into their coin albums or for use at the local off-license to sate their White Lightning thirst.

In a bid to rival the successful website ‘Which?’, ‘Issi?’ has launched a new website for expert advice and reviews for all things Welsh.

Dora The Explorer’s Swiper Now On Sex Offender Register

SWIPER THE FOX, of Dora The Explorer infamy, has found himself in a much worse situation than usual.  In a press release this morning, the Police stated:

Swiper the Fox was apprehended yesterday after diabolical and shaming acts towards women.  We are in the process of gathering as much information from any young lady that may have had a run in with him and appeal for them to come forward to aid us in our investigation.

Swiper, notorious for his kleptomania, has apparently succumbed to the temptations of Tinder (the mobile dating app).  He is said to have gone into a fit of rage due to the continued abuse he has received on the TV show.  With Dora and pals (including the audience via the means of breaking the fourth wall) screaming “Swiper no swiping!” over the course of many years, it seems it had taken its toll on him.

In an interview with E! last month, he said that he had hit a brick wall on Tinder as he couldn’t ‘swipe’ due to the tormented memories it conjured up.  He was apprehended with the image of one of Dora‘s best friends displayed on his phone screen.  He  claims, due to the psychological torment his fellow cast subjected him to, that he had no choice but to keep the girl on his Tinder as he felt physically sick being unable to swipe left or right.

Tinder introduced a new security protocol in June of last year which monitors users’ behaviour.  One algorithm focuses on how long an individual spends looking at a profile.  They defended this move as a means of preventing/predetermining stalker behaviour/activity.  A Tinder spokesperson stated that Swiper had amassed a whopping 235 hours on the individual’s picture which led them to alert the authorities.

Despite the Fox’s defense, authorities continue to investigate.

Swiper‘s agent stated at the press conference:

My client believes that his character on the show [Dora The Explorer] has given the public a sense of bias towards him – he has never been convicted of any theft and has never stolen anything aside from what he was scripted to do so.  My client was falsely accused of stealing money from a charity event in April 2014 – no evidence was found and even Judge Judy threw the case out of court because of how farcical and cartoony the situation was.  My client maintains that he was framed by Dora considering how her character is so angelic and he is depicted as a petty thief with no morals whatsoever.  Let it be noted that, not even a week after the incident, Dora was sporting a brand new fur coat and boots.

Upon his arrest, Swiper had a brief opportunity to address the media:

Look, I did nothing wrong.  I haven’t harmed anyone and when this reaches court, I will be as truthful as always.  It could have been worse, after all.  Imagine if someone had loaded Grinder onto my phone and, given my inability to swipe without a searing pain rip through me from the awful memories…I shall say it now, before anyone gets any ideas and tries something like that, Swiper is all about da bitches.

The case is pending a court date and Swiper has been granted bail at $100,000 – a sum which he is unable to pay himself due to the tirade of legal battles between himself and the show runners, cast members and so-called fans.

Poo Patrol

RYDER AND HIS team of pups have received a lot of heat from the residents of Adventure Bay over the last few weeks.  The team of pups have been leaving their ‘business’ around town.  The Local Authority, headed up by Mayor Goodway, introduced a new policy in May of last year.  The Dogs (Fouling of Land) Act 2016 was introduced, meaning that dog owners have a responsibility to ensure that their dogs’ mess be cleaned up otherwise fines of up to $1000 may be issued.

Ryder, who owns six pups and occasionally hosts others (Everest & Tracker), has been issued a series of complaints along with fines for his irresponsibility.  He also owns Robo-Dog who, despite the amount of ‘Canine Bytes’ he consumes, thankfully doesn’t excrete.  A further inquiry into what kind of ‘deposits’ Robo-Dog makes is currently under way.

One of the most vocal of the complainers, Mr Porter, stated “As much as Ryder and his team has helped and continues to assist with any issues in and around the town, he does have a responsibility to clean up after them [the pups]”.  He went on to say “Just the other day, Alex (his grandson) was playing with his toy cars.  He was pretending they were part of the Paw Patrol and as ‘Rubble‘ was conducting a rescue in a pile of, what he thought was mud, he started crying as his hands stank of dog [expletive deleted].”

Mayor Goodway has been under a lot of pressure to resolve this matter.  Some fear she may be biased and ineffective at enforcing the legislation.  Others think that she may be in Ryder‘s ‘pocket’ considering she is usually quick to his and his team’s defense and, to date, has received the most assistance from Ryder and co.

Mayor Goodway was unavailable for comment, however Chickaletta had a few choice words.  Sadly, due to the large number of chicken readers, we cannot publish what she had to say.

Ryder and the Paw Patrol have received a Summons and are due to appear in the Adventure Bay Supreme Court later this month.